For weeks I have been thinking about how to summarize this year.
This year!
Do I even want to say anything? I want it to feel real, reflect its impact on my life and yet not sound depressing even though it was filled with a lot of grief. That is the intention, you tell me if it comes across.
I started 2012 with a heavy heart, knowing what lay ahead of us. As my father slept in the hospice bed at home, I knew I would wake up alone on January 1st of 2013. The living room is where we kept his hospice bed and now it is in the living room where I sleep when I am at my mom’s house. I feel so close to him there. I actually look forward to the quiet of next Tuesday morning. A life can change so drastically in a year.
I am no longer the same person. Losing my father forever changed me. This sounds like remorse but it isn’t. It is cliché to say this but “I didn’t know how strong I was until I didn’t have a choice.” Watching somebody you love die is the hardest thing anyone can live through yet it is also the most precious moment of my life. I loved him with all my heart until the very end. I remember the exact moment when he was gone. I prayed in that instant the world would just open up and swallow me whole into the abyss.
It didn’t happen.
I was forced to live with grief I’ve never known. To function in a world that was completely different. It was like living in a thick fog. The breeze of the train entering the station would dry my tears because I could not stop them from coming. There were things I didn’t see at first. Things that bought me joy but in the end caused even more pain. Even my body betrayed me. Somehow I got better from it all. All except the grief. This cyclic friend who leaves and returns to me at unexpected times. Filled with memories that comfort me and with those that have me longing for the abyss.
Somewhere along the way I realized that I could not spend all my days grieving. It was exhausting in every way possible. I had poured my whole heart into the loss. So I entertained the idea of putting my heart into healing. I read motivational books, attended a bereavement group, listened to a lot of Tony Robbins/Oprah/Iyanla Vanzant/Joel Osteen and focused on helping my mother and sister.
It started with choosing not to cry for one day. I failed miserably and cried even harder that night. But I did it again the next day, and the next day and so on. Until I noticed I had not cried in a week. So of course I felt bad and cried some more but it was less intense and a shorter cry. I began to keep a gratitude journal, first on paper and then in an iPhone app. I forced myself to write 5 things I was grateful for every day. I did this for weeks, months and even now.
I learned to stand up for myself. To say “no” when others expected more than I was capable of handling. To take time for me. To do things that brought me joy, no matter how insignificant they may seem to others. I learned to forgive those who hurt me. I learned to let go. I learned to be a better sister. I learned to be a better daughter to a mother whose heart is broken just like mine.
I do feel stronger today. The words “Live through this and you’ll never look back” come to mind as this year comes to a close. Yesterday my sister and I were talking about how we survived this year. We are in awe that we are still standing. I told her I feel like the Wii boxing character in the video game. He’s wobbling after a tough fight but he hasn’t fallen yet. He’s bruised and battered but not down yet.
Not just yet.
10 Responses to At Year’s End {2012}
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Even though my grief is different, I strongly relate to what you are saying. It’s not gone, it’s not over, but some days it is bearable. In the face of grief, life goes one. Bravo to you for working with it, working through it, and choosing to see the beauty.
Thank you much for the kind words. I also relate to your posts and in a way we face life new to us. It’s not easy but it is worth it.
Happy New Year my friend!
I lost my mother a few years ago and something I heard always sticks with me – death is hardest on the living. Everyone grieves differently and we must each deal with it in our own way. It does get better in time a d choosing to see the beautiful is such a wonderful thing. Happy New Year Patty, a blessing of mine in 2012 was getting to meet you.
My dear Sylvia, thank you so much for the sweet words. I really appreciate the insightful words, it is so true. I’m so glad we met. Your friendship is definitely one of the beautiful moments of 2012. Happy New Year my dear friend!
Beautiful post Patty. You are such a strong incredible woman and I know that 2013 will bring a sense of peace for you and new beginnings. Wishing you much love. Xox
Sandra Guirguis recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: The Day After
Thank you so much Sandra for always being so supportive and encouraging. I wish you all the best for you and your family in 2013. xoxo
Hey Patty,
You know that you and I share a special bond in the fact that our story’s with our fathers are very similar. I took this line from your post
“Somewhere along the way I realized that I could not spend all my days grieving. It was exhausting in every way possible”
I can’t tell you how hard it was for me to deal with that quote. I can’t say that if ever gets better in time. That’s a hard thing for me to grasp (We lost our father and they’re never coming back)
It’s not a boyfirend/girlfirned relantionship type of thing. Your Father and Mother and Bother & Sister are suppoed to be forever, so time doesn’t nessicarlly heal for me like it may for others.
What I can say is what my father told me before he passed on
“continue to live cause we just don’t know how much time we have”
So with that, I chose to live remembering him and not live greving for him cause yes it was very exausting and only made me angry towards the world and others and that’s not how he would want me to live. But to live remembering how special and what he meant to me and to others.
You’re a beautiful woman with a great heart and I’m so glad to call you my friend. Here’s to 2013. Let’s live and make big things happen.
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Dear Jess,
I will always remember and cherish the email you sent me days after my dad passed away. It came at a moment when I felt no one in the world could understand what my mom, sister and I were going through. It is a bond we will always have.
I agree with you about LIVING. Until now I’ve done just enough to get by tha days. But to honor the memories of our fathers we must take all that life has to offer us.
Cheers to a wonderful 2013 for you and your beautiful wife and daughter. Let’s make this a great year!
Dear dear Patty…the words “I was forced to live with a grief I’ve never known” ring true to me. You’ve expressed it so well here. Being that I am a year further in the process I can say that it evolves into a different thing. It can still bring me to my knees…I can still sob…I can still feel a pain that is indescribable, but at the same time I can say that grief is exquisite. It’s exquisite because of the immense love we felt…the grief is only as deep as our love. You can’t have one without the other. Oh the irony. Big love to you Patty…and to an amazing 2013!
KCLAnderson (Karen) recently posted..2012: The Year I Practiced
Karen your words are so beautiful and they give me great comfort. I can see the grief changing and am finally starting to believe that time will work it’s “magic”. I will always yearn to have my father back but because I love him so I must go forward. Sending you lots of love for a wonderful 2013! xoxo